dude911

 In playing the game of life, what kind of player are you? (I'm a player still learning how to focus on his game. I now understand that focus requires a different mode of thinking. Not having that mode of thinking has characterized my life as a chaotic struggle for meaning. Basically, I'm a rookie.) Describe yourself as a player:
What are your strengths? (One strength is committing myself to changing my life. I've changed the things that I do, to better suit the kind of person I want to be. They often say that knowledge is power, and I can definitely say I draw strength as well from the things I've learned in the past, and understand the value of learning in the present. I have a lot of strength in the relationships I have with the people around me.)
What are your weaknesses? (A weakness for something, or a weakness in myself? I have a weakness for food, I eat a hell of a lot. I have a weakness for material things, like fancy cars, computers, and italian suits. I have a weakness for staying in bed. I'm weak when I don't push myself. I'm also weak when it comes to telling people I don't want to give them my time/effort. That leads to a weakness with committing myself to anyone, as you would expect a good friend to do. Finally, I've had a weakness for my last girlfriend, a relationship I miss.)
How important is winning to you? (Winning is very important to me. There isn't an option to loose, I only have one shot at life. Also, my whole family is counting on me, because I'm the only child / only grandson on both sides of the family. I have to win. I might as well have not been alive if I don't win.)
What does losing mean to you? (Loosing is missing this one chance I have to actually live and have a life.)
Are you a team player? (Everyone around me is part of the team.)
Are you a leader? (I can lead if I have to. I'm not afraid to lead something, if I know what I'm getting into.)

I just explained a dream I had to someone, and I realized how fucked up it sounded. We were eating lunch together in the food court at FAU when they mentioned Pokemon. Suddenly there was an unexpected flashback.

It must have been just after the Rebels had defeated the Empire...

( I can't write about this because I'm next to this girl telling a story about how this other girl is like a dirty hamster. It's hilarious. )

...I was wandering the base abandoned by the Empire on Endor. It was a architectural maze of metal and forest. More than just empty, it was devoid and silent. How uncharacteristic of Endor, considering that the planet is so full of life. Through it's gargantuan halls, not even echoes traveled freely.

The power was still on, yet debris was everywhere. A dark corridor was to my left. As I turned the corner, a shining light met my eyes, and below it a was Steven Hawking in his wheelchair. The robotic arm that held the light moved around, so that he could inspect me.

"Hello there. You shouldn't be here. Don't you know that? They're doing surgery on Pokemon above us."

He directed the light towards the metal ceiling. It was soaked with dripping blood. I saw flashes of Bill Gates with a bone saw. Blood was everywhere. What a fucking weird dream.

Anyways, I beat the fuck out of my accounting exam today. I'm pretty happy about that.

There were so many directions I wanted to go in a couple of years ago. Ever since I stumbled upon the block HackADay.com, all the 'hacks' just sucked me in. The word 'hack' has a very ambiguous meaning. Anything can be a hack, and hence recreating and following up on a good number of them is unimaginable to me. If I took all the classes at FAU to get me up to speed on everything, I would never leave college. I'd love to be as diverse as that, but now I'm narrowing down into a small niche. My major will put me into 'cyber security', which basically means I'll know all about software-level hacks and vulnerabilities. So put me in front of a computer, and I can use it to do all sorts of stuff to it and other computers. Thats a fast-paced world, and the skills you get can go obsolete in a year or so. That puts me out of hardware-level hacks, which is an entirely different world, one that encompasses calculus, physics, and a real lab. The other world is more closely related to science, and the skills involved in that are much more timeless. I'm missing out on that. Coincidentally, Bill Gates feels the same way about it. Now that he is stupid rich, he wishes he knew more science. Go google it. Knowing that I'll never do those crazy insane electronic hacks for a living is somewhat depressing. To me, they are even more impressive. What software hack could someone pull that would really turn heads?

So here I am again in the BU 120 lecture hall. I have 3 classes here every tuesday and thursday. In a way, I'm wasting my time here. The concepts we cover only need a small fraction of the 90 minute class to learn. The rest of the time I spend here on my laptop, just fuckin' around.

FAU during this month, and especially this week, is holding a lot of job and career related events. I just met with a counselor who spent about 20 minutes reviewing the last resume I wrote and giving me pointers. The people who look at resumes are looking for specific things on your resume, like keywords to a search engine, to figure out if you're a good candidate. I had some good ones there, but I looks like I didn't organize them well enough. I need to add section, hearings, and quantitative information to describe time spent doing work, the workload, and people I worked with. I don't have that much experience, but there are some things I can sort of bash into there. When career day comes thursday, I really hope I can snag some interviews.

Theres a career day preparedness seminar today that I'm missing today because I need to be in class. Yeah, I know a lot of people just think that its gay. Theres is something important that I'll be missing out on, its pointers on how to dress. Whenever someone has said "dress casual", it's just confused me. To me, casual means normal, every day clothes. Those kinds of clothes for me would be the same scuffed up pair of Nikie shoes I've had for the past three years, one of my graphic tees, and either my black or my blue pair of jeans. I have to be "conservative", waring a solid blue or white tee, khakis, dress pants, or even a suit. It's really unbelievable to me, because I know the professionals in my field absolutely don't care about dress, at all.

I take that position because the people I know that represent the kind of people I want to work don't dress to impress. My favorite professor, Tom Fernandez, wears cargo pants and button down shirts that aren't tucked in, all week. Then theres my Uncle, who is always in jeans and wears button down shirts that look like they came from Outdoor World, or L.L. Bean. I understand that workplaces require pants. Everyone in whole foods wears pants unless they're a casier or in groceries, in which case they don't need to cover up. And I guess I assumed that the button down shirts were just because these guys are old and have white hair. What else do white-haired guys wear?

Maybe dressing up for an interview is just a Boca/South FL thing. That would suck because thats the only place I want to work. I can imagine it being the same way in D.C., since these are seriously TONS of shipping places there. If you've never been to Virginia, you'd be amazed at the amount of malls and other shopping places there. You don't have as many people flaunting how rich they are like in Boca, but everyone seems to have a prety good amount of wealth there. Even by Boca standards, its surprising.

I hate tucking in my shirt. I hate wearing khaki and dress pants. I hate shopping for these things because nothing fits right. Its expensive, its a pain in the ass, and you actually have to try not to make a mess on yourself when you're eating food. Damn!

My professor is still talking about producer and consumer surplus. I would have been more excited to hear a 3 minute explanation of what it is, played back at a speed slow enough to have it span the full 90 min class. Trippy. I have a plan to one day paint a wall entirely with glow paint and then draw on it with a laser pen, like this person does: http://www.daito.ws/en/work/uvlaserfadeout.html

I like how in microeconomics, things make sense. I only say that because nothing makes sense in macroeconomics, my next class. Starting in 40 minutes, and ending at 5:45. The professor rants. He gives you an idea of the issues economists and policy makers face, but there aren't any notes. Nothing is written on the board. There is no power point. What exactly we've learned is up in the air. I hope Jeanne comes. Last week we were both on our laptops and logged into facebook. In the middle of class, she just just started trading laptops and randomly messaging each other's friends on chat.

I was thinking about how cool it would be to have some kind of studio. And no, I would not use a midi keyboard. I would build this: http://www.instructables.com/id/The-Prism-A-Laser-Synth-Guitar/

It would be hooked up to a high resolution (like 12-bits) ADC, fed into a Mac Pro super computer running Logic Pro or Ableton Live or something. (sp?) Those bitches have 12 cores. 12 fucking cores!!! Picture your computer, now picture 12. Use magic to cram them into a sleek, sexy case with an apple logo on it. Thats a Mac Pro for ya. I laugh inside a little when I think about how my friends are getting into these things now, because when I was in 9th and 10th grade and everyone was hanging out outside Barnes and Nobles after school, I was inside reading gun magazines, paintball magazines, custom PC magazines, and yes, the digital music magazines. I had trial copies of Albeton, Logic, FL Studio, and Propellerheads Reason. I also had torrented Sony Acid, Kontaxt, Traktor, and Reaktor. I learned a little about them from Hatter, Koshka, and Jon Jon. Figuring them out then was too much work, and I forgot about them when I decided it would be cool to take Win XP off my PC and replace it with Linux. I was never interested in being a DJ. I would much rather produce remixes, studio mixes, and maybe actual songs.

Microecon is still happening, but there are only a few people in this hall. Most lecture professors don't care if you leave. There isn't much to do on campus, and I don't have anywhere to go. My next class is around the corner.

I've been noticing a problem. Everyone I see on campus is either looking at their phone or laptop. And at home, it's either a laptop or a TV. This isn't just habitual, its a life style thats promoted by every place that has wifi. Hours wasted, reading and looking at random things online that have very little meaning in reality. I feel gross because I just spent an hour downloading pictures of Gundam models. Sure, I would love to replicate them one day. But if I do, I doubt anyone nearby will understand their value to me. One reason for that is I've built up an admiration for how awesome these models, these toys are. Another is that everyone else has done the same for other things which are just as bizzare and far-placed from right now. Look at the context you're in. You may be reading this in an internet cafe, or from your own room. Ask yourself what is going on, and fail to come up with an answer. Nothing is going on because we've isolated ourselves in these devices. Unless we're unified in some way, time just moves on and over us.

I think the internet and technology has drawn us from reality. I've talked to real video game developers and the end goal of all games is to create an activity that is addictive and profitable. Don't let them use you. Hollywood makes movies and TV shows for entertainment, but what do these things actually do for us? People watch their favorite series and live a life that has nothing to do with the made up characters and story. Turn it off and do something useful instead of complain when you don't have your fix. Fuck the world. I'm hungry.

This isn't about whether or not there is an "absolute" reality, but there are objective things happening right now and for that reason, they are more important. Look at where you are in your life and where you want to be, bridge the gap. The truth is that none of us know what we're doing with our lives because there are too many distractions. Right now I'm in class hearing a lesson on economics. I think it's time I started listening to the lecture. I hope all my posts aren't as crazy sounding as this.

My alarm on my iPhone went off at 5:00AM today. I set it to go off again in 20 minutes, so I could stay in bed a little longer. I finally got some sleep that night around 12:11AM. Whether or not it was enough isn't a concern, its all I can get. I left home at 5:53AM and arrived at whole foods at 6:03AM. Spent 5 or so more minutes outside the door because they changed the access code on me. I used to care about coming in on time. It feels good to be able to clock in a minute or two before your shift is set to start. You can't tell me I'm a bad employee if I do. Since things have been taking a downward spiral at Genji, it stopped mattering. Just get in when you can, try and make it. Thats all we do there. Try. Try to keep up. Someone eventually let me in, and I clocked in at 6:09AM.

Lam quit in the beginning of December, but I was half-surprised to see on the schedule there that he was to come in and open with me. I figured he had gone off on to some better place to work. A real sushi restaurant. I don't know what made him come back to us, especially since nobody likes working there. A year ago, Victor was supposed to take over and become our manager. Now he is working part time at some swanky place in Mizener. His wife, maria quit, and I don't blame her. She worked harder than most of us, but in return she got the same crappy wages we all got. Our new guy also left. We can never hold onto new employees, but I am the exception. The only ones who will never go are Tandi and David. The two Indonesians.

Somehow, Lam got the okay to come in at 7AM, whereas I go in at 6AM. There are reasons for this. He is a great worker because he does he has really mastered the single job he does there. Open in the morning, create the raw sushi, cut the fish for the next day, done as always expected. His reliability has earned him the right to work however he wants. Another factor in this is that David, the boss, is on his knees because very few people will actually work this job. I can have whatever work schedule I want. If I ask to work 56 hours, its done. If I say I can only do 10, he has no choice but to agree. Right now, I'm at 38.5 per week and will remain there until I land a job at a software company.

So I started the usual prep. Lam came in at 7 and we briefly caught up. He doesn't talk much. The day was going smoothly and I actually was finishing things faster than normal. All the sushi prep was finished. Then at noon, six or so hours into the shift, I had to stop everything. Three palletes of supplies came in that needed to be unloaded. Usually Victor takes care of this, but he wasn't answering his phone. I had never unloaded supplies into the stock room before, and doing it my myself was tiring. Asking stock guys to transport the stuff to the other side of the store was awkward. John, one of the guys who usually helps Victor with the process helped me out with it. He was friendly and said I did a good job. He told me that anyone who leaves a pallete leaning against a wall is liable for a $10,000 fine, and he saved me from two of those. I was asked to sign off on the delivery forms and did, but later I found out that I needed to check them first to make sure the delivery matched up with what we received. We didn't receive everything we needed in the first place.

Since Genji tried to take over our suppliers, we've been running out of supplies. In this order, we were supposed to receive a shipment of teriyaki sauce. We got none of it. Without that, 1/4 of the business is dead. Luckily we had some extra bottles in the walk-in cooler. But when those run out, I don't know what we'll do. I don't want to explain to customers all day long that I can only cook their food without the sauce that they're always asking me to give them more of. I work three of those shifts starting Friday.

By the time all the unloading was done, Tandi I came back outside to find an empty sushi case. I tried to fill it up at the same speed I did in the morning, but customers kept interrupting. They asked for special orders, for directions to the bathroom, the cheese department, the bakery, the coffee bar. I would be a millionare if I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me where the chilli lids are, where the bathroom was, where crackers for the soups were, for a paper towel, where soy sauce was, if they can have eel sauce, just so much random shit. Do I look like I give a fuck about where the stupid shit you want to buy is? Go ask someone who looks like they don't have anything better to do. Try for example, the people walking around in groceries who stock everything and know where it all gets put. Fuckers. I think I'm going to just start making signs with big lettering to reduce this damn ridiculous torrent of reduMdant questions.

Because Victor called in sick (pussy) nobody would give me shit about working without a break and still going over-time. It was a 12 and a half hour shift. I'm blessed though. I really don't have to worry about good food at this job, and that benefit isn't easily matched. Towards the end of it, Daner was waiting for me on the other side of the sushi station, sitting at the bar. This guy is always around University Commons because he doesnt have to do anything else besides meet with people... I was on my break just eating lunch on the benches about a month ago and I saw this guy looking at me out of the corner of my eye. Didn't think much of it. Then he asked me for the time and we started talking. Hes a good talker, a good listener, an interesting person, and nice. Hes a black-jew (double taboo!) who secures patents and does financial work for people with lots of money. Sweet. He basically looks like your average middle-aged black guy. There isn't anything that would indicate vanity in him, unless you count the fact that you never see him without a hat on because hes going bald.

Even though I have another essay to complete by 8AM the next morning, I needed my break. For about half an hour, we drank coffee and talked. Basically cars, relationships, money, life. It really was good conversation, but talk is cheap. I'm sad to say that these are the topics that interest me most at this point. So for anyone listening in, it'll always be easy to predict what we'll talk about. And you know what else? I don't think its worth anything to talk about cars I'll never have because they are too expensive to buy and too expensive to own. Are they really worth it? My fascination with them, as with all things, has waned, bitches.

I was glad I found someone who doesn't mind talking about relationships, but most of what we say is garbage. Usually, there is a huge difference between what people say about their relationships and how you would really end up perceiving them. Everyone feels like they've learned something about relationships, so everyone has something to say. Right now, I'm tired of thinking about them. What worked? What didn't work? What was good? What was bad? How could this or that have turned out if... Is there really some kind of complicated strategy to all this? Fuck that, I'll never understand them. I wish everyone the best with theirs.

Now I'm home. Ate a little. Spent about two hours writing this LJ entry because I wanted people to have a glimpse of my day. Its time to stay up tonight writing an essay for ENC 1102. Tomorrow I'll have very little sleep, class til 5, and I'm starting to wish I hadn't decided to meet up with Mark. Not Mark my dad, Mark the Haitian grocery stocker from Whole Foods studying computer engineering at FAU. He wants me to help him with his C++ code. I don't have anything against Haitians. You guys make awesome food and the only rum I'll ever drink (Barbancourt aged 15 yrs.) Hell, Mark is a smart guy. So was Aldes, the first guy. Both went far beyond Calculus 3. I completely avoided calculus. But I just don't get, how you guys just don't get, basic C++ code. I hope I can help him.

I got to work on the essay, which turned out not to be a total disaster. I got to the point where I was typing with my eyes closed because I was so tired. Have you ever had your eyes hurt for sleep?The essay was finished around 4AM. Damn. It's been a long, 23-hour day. At least I might get some sleep tonight, but who knows. I have class in 4 hours. Blegh. Not happy. -_-

How can I capture all the events that have transpired between now and my last post? I destroyed a friendship with someone. Horrible and senseless mistake. Stopped giving a fuck. Working 40hrs a week, and taking four classes (4 classes x 3 hrs = 12 hrs a week) a semester. Stopped writing complete sentences. Also have a plan for the future. Changed my major and will be getting a minor as well. When I graduate, I have a guaranteed job in DC. Yes, its great news and it means money, but I still feel quite alone and disconnected.

I decided to write 30 or so new year's resolutions on my facebook page. Since everyone can see them and because I use facebook daily, those resolutions seem much more permanent to me now. As they are fulfilled, I cross them out. I'm sure anyone who is reading this can think of the same number of resolutions, if not more, if they took the time to. Make a list. Keep those resolutions in check if you really want to change. Change is 2011's theme, and I don't want to come out of it the same way I did 2010.

Just before I woke up this morning, I had this dream. Vinny, my 9th grade neighbor was playing airsoft in his front yard. Not a very uncommon thing to see him doing, but this time he has close to two dozen of his friends out there with them. All little.

(me) O_O ---- (looking) ----> o.o (9th grade kids playing airsoft)

Okay. So whatever. Vinny likes to brag about the fancy airsoft guns he has. They call them AEGs (Airsoft Electic Guns) and they're meant to look exactly like real guns. Much of airsoft is about lookiing the part. Vinny and all his friends were pretty decked out with a lot of weaponry and military-looking clothing.

One weird thing is the fact that in this dream, Vinny's house was right next to mine. In reality, there is another house between us. Here in the dream, they were only separated by a large hedge.

Another weird thing: I was staring at Vinny and his friends through the bush, and I was looking like a total badass. I was wearing this digital tiger-stripe camoflage that was black, grey, and orange. On my face was a mask that had one large, mirrored lens. I had a OD green harness on with loops in them that held 40mm grenades and 12g shotgun shells. Slung to my back was a 6-shot grenade launcher and to my front, in my arms was a M870. (Lets forget for now that all the weaponry I'm mentioning are really just BB shooting airsoft guns)

Through the bush, I had one of them in my sights. They must have been picking teams, or planning something, because they we're all loosely gathered on the driveway. In just a couple of seconds: Trigger pull. Pow. One. Pump. Aim. Trigger pull. Pow. A second one. Pump. Aim. Trigger pull. Pow. A third.

"Shit!"

"Someone's in the bushes!"

The whole group scattered and and their weapons pointed in my direction. Some fired into the bush, but soon enough the consensus was to send some around the hedge to get me. If they had all rushed, I would have been fucked. Instead, Vinny's little brother Steven first made a run for it, carrying a P90. I saw him, ran towards the end of the hedge, punched him in the face, and snatched it out of his hands before he knew I was right next to him. Sprayed the thing onto him. He went down, and I swung the P90 around the corner and fired it onto the front yard, hitting the others coming for me.

I continued to fire across the front to clear them all out. Others ran further down for cover, but they we're picked off, in the face. I looked up, and saw a masked, desert camo figure with aa epic blonde pony tail and a smoking sniper rifle standing on the roof. It was Jeff, and he just got a triple kill. Fuck yeah. All of the other team who had ran for that cover was a pile on the ground. Jeff was now in that cover, and I couldn't see what he was doing because it was behind another hedge against the walls of the house. I'm pretty sure it was more shooting people.

More started to rush out from Vinny's back yard, against the other side of my hedge. I dropped the P90 and shotgun, pulled the grenade launcher around myself, and aimed it. An epic cannonly sploosh of BBs chopped the sream of players in half. I reloaded as it filled up again, and I shot into it again. But they kept coming. Thats when Barret screeched into the driveway with his truck. Mike Jung was in it's bed and using the cab as cover, he fired a M249 into the rushing crowd, drastically reducing it's size.

The foregrip of an MP5 was sticking out from underneath somebody's body. I pulled it out and semi'd a couple more in the face. Jeff no scope'd three more. We signaled eachother to get them back. As we ran down the length of yard the rush had come from, we swing around cover, whacking people in the face with our guns and blowing holes in their chest. As the stock of my gun came down someone's face, discombobulating them, jeff shot them and it's swing continued until it was aiming at the group of players collecting at the edge of the house across from us. All of us fired. I heard their BBs fly past me. I was shot, but I was so pumped and hot that I didn't feel them hit me, only heard their impact. Lesson: Don't fall asleep wearing pants. So maybe I was cheating, but I didn't care. They we're just BBs. I sprayed them all and they went down. Dreams make so much sense...

I woke up. But holy shit! Is it possible for a dream to be fun? That was awsome... Life is pointless, so don't judge me if I decide to blow a bunch of money on airsoft now.

Over the past few weeks, I realized that I need to get out of the house as soon as possible. Aside from vacations, this has been my one and only home, for 19 years, 4 months, and 4 days. That needs to change so I can change. It's only gotten messier and messier, filled with more junk, and more broken down. I fully intend to reverse my mark here before I go, because I really feel like this place could be so much better than its been. Part of it is living with my mother, who has been back since the last time I updated. Yes, I'm lucky to have someone who provides for me, but every time she comes home she sits in front of the TV for hours and won't help me get things done in the house. Also, she's been getting upset with me and that means things will tighten up here. But those closets and cabinets here have things that have been untouched for years. To loose these old things and make some real space would add some much needed appeal. I'm not some kind of interior designer. But I am the kind of person who likes better things. I want to make this place better.

Some of that rant comes from the big story, that is this friday. It was 12PM, and I was done with class for the day. The weekend before, I told Sharon that Friday I would call her about coming up to West Palm Beach to see what her apartment complex was like. She had come to Whole Foods months ago and in place of a tip, offered me an apartment to stay in for a while on the island part of WPB. I felt like Friday would be a good day for it. Once I got to WPB and found her street, I called her up and she came out of one of the houses and took me around the block to an open apartment. Immediately noticed how empty it was in the inside. I thought of all the things I could use it for. Amazing tripping parties crossed my mind. After an hour of sitting on the couch and texting people, I left and explored the rest of the area. The beach was directly down the street, and there was a pathway in the other direction that led to a sidewalk that went all the way across the island's intracostal side. Aside from how quiet it was, living there would be nice. She said I could stay there a night or two as long as I told her in advance.

I thought about it for a bit and left. It was about 5 and I needed to get back by 5:30 to pick my mother up from work. Then at 6 I planned on going to Jerry's Artarama with Jon. Since she fractured her leg, I've been the one driving her around. I picked up a large coffee from McDonalds and a small fry, because I needed the drink and she probably would have wanted the fries.

I ended up staying with her there until 8, and met up with Jon at 9. He showed me some impressive spraypainting stencils. I hadn't seen any drawings by him in a long time, but hes gotten a lot better since the last time. By 9 we were at Ali Baba's Hookah Lounge. Jon showed me pictures of the awsome dorm life at High Point University and of all the girls hes had sex with. Then I found out he also did our waitress and another girl there who was from Kansas. Ever since I've been single, thinking about all that makes me go nuts. I think I must have some kind of super sensitivity to testosterone allergic mojo reaction. By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to start getting shitfaced every night, all night long to get anywhere in life. When I got home after 11, I was restless to say the least. This was one of the weekends where I didn't need to sleep at a good time on a Friday night because of work in the morning because I was closing the next day. Jeff called me, rescued me from another quiet night. By 2AM I had a gel tab in my mouth.

Ricci picked me up and we were on out way to Shifton's new house. The ride down was good. I hadn't seen Ricci in a long time, or Caylea. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, partly because Caylea was rolling, which pretty much made everything she did cute and funny. All throuought the night she had been playing with this light-up, vibrating massager from CVS Pharmacy, calling it her new boyfriend who would never leave her, vibrate, and awlays stay hard. XD Even infront of Shifton, who absolutely did not want her rolling on any Molly in any way, shape, form, or attachemnt to some vibrating device. It was rediculous.

Shifton was different. He seemed a lot more laid back than before, and friendlier too. Still hospitable as ever. He showed us DJ Hero 2, and we basically played it all night long. I miss that guy's taste in music. The truth is I was only there because we needed a place for Caylea and me to be on drugs, and because Ricci and Caylea were on Shifton's good side. For me, it was kind of a reunion. I'd like to do it again. DJ Hero 2 is hard to play when you've never done it before, especially if you're on cid. The whole time I couldn't figure out how the slider part of the controller worked, and while I was versing Ricci, he coudln't get the turntable! Still beat me though... I would buy that game, just to get better at it. No complaints about the music, for sure. At 4 it was time to go. I still had to sleep because I had work in the afternoon. Ricci was tired too. Got dropped off and they drove off while I was just standing in the same place, watching them go.

Usually I'm the first one to go. But even thought they had already left, nothing in me really wanted to leave. I got back inside, still feeling the cid a little. I wasn't ready to go to sleep, so I called Jeff up and we got together. I realized that throughout the entire night, I wasn't able to calm down. I hadn't calmed down while I was in the car earlier, at Shifton's place, or on the way back. I was actually extremely anxious. I knew that in 7 hours, I would have to come in to work. I also had a bunch of school work I wanted to finish before the weekend ended, because the upcomoing week was going to be hell for me. Especially since I's be working 3 days out of 7 instead of 2. I also had promised my mother I'd go out to breakfast with her, which was kind of important beacuse it never happens. We used to get breakfast on the weekends, before I worked all weekend and when I handn't been up all night on cid. I could feel every heart beat, getting stronger and faster. Was I really freaking out about this shit? I just stress too much.

I need to take it easy. I pretty much accepted that I wouldn't be able to sleep until the end of the day. I got together with jeff and we biked around until 6. Talked about how the night went so well. It really did. We used to have nights like this all the time, and its really what we want all the time again. Remind me that I owe him $10. I was up until my mother woke up, and I ended up driving to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast bagels, then to Hillsboro for dog medicine. Back at home I tried to sleep but was woken up by Emma's mom calling me. Emma was out all night and her parents have thought that she was with me. How many times has Emma tricked them into that? I got really pissed off. I told Tracy that I'd call her and in 20 minutes I was on the phone with Emma. On one hand our relationship is completely fine. On the other, its completely screwed up. I can't decide which one it is because I never see her anymore. At the rate things are going now, I think we're just going to forget about eachother. It's a shame. Two years and now this.

The whole day I was tired, but not sleepy. If I hadn't been so dull, I would probably have fixated on what happened with Emma. Worked the whole 8 hour shift and got out of work at 9PM. No sleep. I was kind of amazed that I even accomplished it, and thought about only sleeping every other night. The werid thing is though that my uncle and cousin from England just so happened to show up to say hi while I was working. I probably looked like shit. I hope thats not the only impression I'll leave them with while they're here. I think my cousin Emiliy hasn't been here for half a decade. I'd really like to hang out with her and her friend, but I guess her dad has already made all the plans for their stay.

I don't want to cut things short, but I have an exam coming up that I haven't prepared for at all. A lot of things are going on, this is just a glimpse lol. I'm happy I wrote some of it down though. Theres still the ACM Club, Chris, Britt, and more... Spelling errors.

Hello, live journal.

Yesterday was a week ago. Tomorrow is next week. Tonight is just a minute for me. For the past couple of years, every day has been a blur. So many things going on in life, all moving by very slowly. These days, here's what Im up to:

Very busy with school. But for anyone who feels like college is a waste, I can already tell you it isn't. My courses are starting to become relevant. Ive already got an elective where I'm putting together a project based on what inlearned in a few other classes. Even better, some guys from Lexis Nexus told me to send in my resume so I can intern with them. I'm competing with a lot of others, but the offer was still pretty mind blowing. Then, there's the club I was made vice president of. It's the FAU ACM chapter.

As far as relationships go, Emma and I have been separated. Call us good friends with a lot of history. Initially, it was rough for me but I've started to like being single for a few reasons. I've been getting together with friends made working at whole foods. They're all older than me and all interesting people. There is a girl there who shares a lot of the same interests as me, and we've been texting and getting together. I like her a lot, but I don't really know what she wants from me. I don't know what I want from her either. At this point in my life, I don't want to worry about it. The other night we made smoothies together. Both of us are sick of smoothies now.

I'm just sitting in the airport waiting for a flight from San Francisco. Counting the hours... FYI, if you ever take online classes with video lectures, upload them to your iPod so you can listen/watch them on the go. It made the ride down here that much more productive.

I almost forgot to say that I've seen Nina lately too. It's nice catching up with her. Originally we were going to go see infected mushroom together at club cinema Saturday, but money issues seem to be putting a stop to that. Later.